My Last Meal on Death Row

So I've done something heinous. Maybe I've blown up the Federal Reserve (ALL of them). Do they even hand out death sentences for that? Well if they do, then that's what happened to me. So I get ushered into the prison's tiny little dining facility; I'm thinking one of those interrogation rooms like on TV, so they can watch me eat through the two-way mirror to make sure I don't try to use my fork as some kind of weapon and escape. Then they ask me what I want. And I say:

1. BEVERAGE

Surge

Why? Because I haven't had one of these bastards since 1998 and if I'm about to get murdered by the government then by golly this dinner is going to have a nostalgia theme.

2. Entree

Cajun Turkey Sandwich

From first grade until about fifth grade, my mother would pack me a lunch that would consist of a juice box, a bag of chips, and a cajun turkey sandwich. I don't know why, because she absolutely hated the smell of that turkey. Every morning she'd pile it between two slices of cheap white bread with a look of disgust usually only reserved for my report cards.

3. Side dishes

Doritos 3Ds

What? What do you mean they don't make these anymore? YOU JUST ASKED ME WHAT I WANTED, OFFICER MEATNECK, IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO NAVIGATE A GODDAMN KROGER'S.

4. Desserts

Dunkaroos

Sure they were cheap shitty cookies that came with cheap shitty frosting, but they were MY cheap shitty cookies.

Bottle Caps

Now let me just make sure we're clear here. I want you to go down the street to Big Lots, and I want you to buy every single box of Bottle Caps that they have. Massive, massive quantities. These are not just candies, they are a way of life. They are the most delicious treats in the history of history, and by limiting my consumption of said treats might be egregious enough to violate the Geneva Convention.

I have to have these.

Now then, NUTRITION FACTS

1. Surge - 170 calories, 42 g sugar per can x 4 = 680 calories, 168 g sugar
2. Turkey sandwich - 400 calories, fully loaded
3. Doritos 3D - 270 calories per pouch
4. Dunkaroos - 120 calories, 19 g sugar per pouch x 4 = 480 calories, 76 g sugar
5. Bottle Caps - 50 calories, 11 g sugar per "serving" x 20 = 1000 calories , 220 g sugar

TOTAL:

2830 calories, 464 g sugar

My plan is to be in a sugar coma before they even stick the needle in.