There's a Picture Opposite Me of My Primitive Ancestry (Most Distant Living Ancestor)

Unfortunately I can't trace my ancestry back to a primitive state (although that would be pretty aweseome), only to the 1600s. With my dad's assistance, I was able to trace back the ancestry of my paternal grandmother, Dorothy Sutton née Patnode. Apparently the Patnodes are traceable pretty far back. According to Ancestry.com, my grandmother's family can be traced back all the way to a man named Nicolas Patenostre, who was born in 1587 in Berville-en-Caux, Rouen, Normandie, France and died in 1644. Unfortunately that's all the information given.

Now his son, on the other hand, DOES have some information that is at least mildly interesting. His son's name was also Nicolas, and he was born in 1626, also in Berville-en-Caux. Now this younger Nicolas decided to emigrate to Quebec, i.e. "New France" around 1650, thus establishing how at least one portion of my ancestors arrived on this wacky continent in the first place.

It appears that he learned the trade of cloth merchant, but he never actually practiced. I feel like with all the other hobbies and skills I've taken up over the years, only to forget them later, I can relate to that somehow.

According to the source on Ancestry.com, he was a landowner; he bought land, fixed it up, and then sold it. Later in life, he and the rest of his family moved to an island called  Ile d'Orleans, which doesn't appear to have changed much.

Since one of my dreams is to disappear to a far-off countryside, or some sort of remote place, later in life, I can definitely relate to this.

One of the lines in the account says "Nicolas and Marguerite seemed to be good-hearted people. peaceful, generous and appreciated." 

At least I'm not descended from thieves or something then, I suppose.

The Eleventh Commandment

COMMANDMENT THE ELEVENTH

THOU SHALT NOT BREAK ONE OF THESE COMMANDMENTS
TO PUNISH OTHERS WHO ARE BREAKING SAID COMMANDMENTS

FOR REAL YOU GUYS, THAT'S MY JOB

JUST GO BACK TO WORK OR SOMETHING

Whoops

Yes, I'll admit, I was one of those people finishing up blog posts at the last minute before the mid-term. However, at least I'd posted all six.

Or so I thought. 

When I logged on to type the newest entry, I was greeted on my screen with this:

Apparently I either forgot to publish The Eleventh Commandment altogether, or something tech-related happened and my efforts proved fruitless. I'm tempted to believe the latter because the image I had put in the post was missing when I checked it.

So I present The Eleventh Commandment in all its original glory.

Whoops.

My Last Meal on Death Row

So I've done something heinous. Maybe I've blown up the Federal Reserve (ALL of them). Do they even hand out death sentences for that? Well if they do, then that's what happened to me. So I get ushered into the prison's tiny little dining facility; I'm thinking one of those interrogation rooms like on TV, so they can watch me eat through the two-way mirror to make sure I don't try to use my fork as some kind of weapon and escape. Then they ask me what I want. And I say:

1. BEVERAGE

Surge

Why? Because I haven't had one of these bastards since 1998 and if I'm about to get murdered by the government then by golly this dinner is going to have a nostalgia theme.

2. Entree

Cajun Turkey Sandwich

From first grade until about fifth grade, my mother would pack me a lunch that would consist of a juice box, a bag of chips, and a cajun turkey sandwich. I don't know why, because she absolutely hated the smell of that turkey. Every morning she'd pile it between two slices of cheap white bread with a look of disgust usually only reserved for my report cards.

3. Side dishes

Doritos 3Ds

What? What do you mean they don't make these anymore? YOU JUST ASKED ME WHAT I WANTED, OFFICER MEATNECK, IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO NAVIGATE A GODDAMN KROGER'S.

4. Desserts

Dunkaroos

Sure they were cheap shitty cookies that came with cheap shitty frosting, but they were MY cheap shitty cookies.

Bottle Caps

Now let me just make sure we're clear here. I want you to go down the street to Big Lots, and I want you to buy every single box of Bottle Caps that they have. Massive, massive quantities. These are not just candies, they are a way of life. They are the most delicious treats in the history of history, and by limiting my consumption of said treats might be egregious enough to violate the Geneva Convention.

I have to have these.

Now then, NUTRITION FACTS

1. Surge - 170 calories, 42 g sugar per can x 4 = 680 calories, 168 g sugar
2. Turkey sandwich - 400 calories, fully loaded
3. Doritos 3D - 270 calories per pouch
4. Dunkaroos - 120 calories, 19 g sugar per pouch x 4 = 480 calories, 76 g sugar
5. Bottle Caps - 50 calories, 11 g sugar per "serving" x 20 = 1000 calories , 220 g sugar

TOTAL:

2830 calories, 464 g sugar

My plan is to be in a sugar coma before they even stick the needle in.

Eight Colors in my Crayon Box

1. Malaise - That feeling that no matter what I'm doing with my life, I'm still not doing enough
2. Sunsplosion Orange - For when a new idea explodes into my consciousness.
3. Hot Blooded Red - Because I've got a fever of one hundred and three.
4. The Blue of Mystery - Because I never know what might happen to me next. Especially at night.
5. Asparagus - Because it's delicious with steak.
6. Estranged Sunrays - Because I spend too much time indoors, sometimes I forget what it looks like.
7. Punch-Up Pink - Because I punch up a lot of scripts for the web series I work on.
8. Sangria - For when I occasionally write while at Olive Garden.

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